My So-Called Life
the random and not-so-random musings of a twenty-something history geek
My So-Called Lifethe random and not-so-random musings of a twenty-something history geek |
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| Lizzie is a fully qualified history teacher having finished her course at Canterbury Christ Church University. She's also a geek who was secretary of the University of Kent Computing Society during her three year BA at the University of Kent. She is very much in love with her shiny Husband, though she is sad that he doesn't glow bloo :( More about her on her website: http://carina.org.uk |
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| Nov. 7th, 2008 @ 08:42 pm Milestones | |||
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Firstly I feel I should mention the US election. Yay! Obama won! :D I wanted him to win, and have thrown aside my cynicism for now to become really excited by a politician. A terribly important milestone too - the first black president of the USA :D I hope he could be like Kennedy for my generation. Except for the sleaze. And the Assassination. Definitely don't want those bits. So maybe not like Kennedy, maybe more like staying as awesome as he seems now when he's actually President. The less said about Prop8 in Cali and an organisation I was formerly a member of, the better. Now that's out of the way, two rather important milestones happened to me today. I. I turned 25 sometime around midday today. I suppose I'm now officially on the wrong side of 25 now ;) . I have had a lovely day, and got some lovely presents and cards. Huge thanks to everyone who has wished me a happy birthday so far :) (Various on irc, some via text, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} alisondh and moonhot97 on lj, and a couple via facebook). Thank you all - they were really appreciated.II. My final appointment with Nikki the Mental Health nurse was today, and we talked over some stuff about keeping well, dealing with triggers, preventing relapse and what to be aware of in terms of signs that I might be relapsing. Also lots of stuff about rebuilding trust in myself and my wellness, so one bad day doesn't panic me or those close to me. I'm told this is pretty much the last thing that comes back. I'm feeling pretty positive tonight at least, and I'll be happy if I maintain this level of okayness for a year. If I do, then comes the Big Scary of coming off the pills. But that's in the future. I want to use this space now to thank everyone who has supported me over the last 18 months or so. I couldn't have done it without you guys, whether you are aware of having helped or not. Now the Black Dog is banished to his Kennel. I hope he stays there. So for tonight I'm celebrating two huge milestones for me - being 25 and being discharged from the Mental Health team. Yay! Come celebrate with me :D Drinks on someone else!  |
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| Aug. 22nd, 2008 @ 07:30 pm Poll: Am I disabled? | |||
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Having made it through Edexcel marking and Clearing more or less in one piece I'm now starting to look at jobs and I've found one I want to apply for. I've become rather stymied by the "Do you consider yourself to have a disability" question. Thing is, I'm much better than I was, I have to be or I wouldn't consider applying for jobs at all and those closest to me wouldn't let me, but I've been off work for a year, and a year long gap doesn't look good on a CV. I'm still seeing my counsellor and I'm still on happy pills, and though I'm winding down visits to my counsellor I'm probably going to be on the pills for at least another year to make sure I'm properly better and try and stop any relapse. Apparently the first year is when I'm most vulnerable to it. My gut says I should declare it, but I also feel like a bit of a fraud for even considering it. "The University operates under the Two ticks scheme which means we will interview all applicants with a disability who meet the minimum criteria for a job vacancy and consider them on their abilities". This is rather valuable, and I feel it's my only shot at an interview given the huge gap on my CV when I was essentially "doing nothing", but am I really disabled as it's counted? The University say: When answering this question, please note that under the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 a disability is defined as ‘a mental or physical impairment which has a substantial and long term effect upon your ability to carry out normal day to day activities.’. Poll #1246569 Job application/disability poll Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 10 Do you think I currently count as "disabled" under the definition above? Should I say "yes" to the disability question on job application forms? (Please post any expansion on this or thoughts in comments below) I can't help but feel that this would all be easier if I were visibly physically disabled. Any (helpful) advice or comments you lot could give would be really great. I'm feeling very mixed up about this, and a tad anxious about giving the "wrong" answer if I'm completely honest. I mean, I was never on benefits while off work (the forms scared me) so never really "disabled" in the eyes of the government. I just don't know what to say :| |
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| Jul. 5th, 2008 @ 01:42 pm Happy Birthday NHS | |||
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Today the NHS turns 60, and I want to wish it a very happy birthday and wish it well for the next 60. I know there are plenty of problems with it, I am not blinkered enough to say that there could not be improvements, but I believe that it is one of the greatest achievements of this country, especially in the post-World War II period. Here's why. In 1900 (that's only 108 years ago) in this country: * Life expectancy was below 50 years * 163 out of every 1000 babies born died before they reached the age of 1 (that's 16.3%) * The majority of families could not afford to see a doctor The government refused to interfere as the emphasis at this point in time was on a "laissez-faire" country, meaning that things should be left to take their own course. It was believed that interference by the Government would strangle the economy, so generally people were left to sink or swim as they could. During the latter years of the 19th Century, and the early years of the 20th Century many reports began to come out which drew attention to the plight of the poor, which was reinforced by something of a recruitment crisis for the army during the Boer War. Of those who volunteered 35% (over a third) were rejected as medically unfit, generally because of problems related to poverty. This changed in 1906 when the Liberal Party was elected, with David Lloyd George as their Chancellor of the Exchequor, and what followed was a package of reforms that ultimately led to a constitutional crisis. The reforms included the setting up of Old Age Pensions, free school meals (which went quite some way to tackling malnutrition among the poor), slum clearance programmes and Labour Exchanges (see here for more information). The most pertinent reform to what I'm discussing today was the 1911 National Health Insurance act, which brought in various safeguards for those in employment who could afford to contribute to a scheme, which would then pay for them to go see a doctor if ill, and pay a small sum every week if the contributor were unemployed or unable to work. The government paid a sum to the scheme, as did the employer. The limitations of this scheme were numerous. It only covered those able to work, which at this period were mostly men, and even then the only hospitalisation it payed for was sanitorium treatment for TB. It did not cover those earning too little to be able to afford to contribute, children, the elderly, women, and those who were chronically and mentally ill. As a result, many still relied on the quack remedies that they had done before the scheme came in to force. The sad truth was that despite the advances in Medicine that had taken place, most people could not access it. The major problems with NHI showed themselves in the 1930s during the Great Depression when so many were out of work, and so many accounts in arrears (upwards of 4 million) that the companies running the schemes made no profit, which was compounded when the government reduced its contribution. The turning point came with the Second World War. The Government were in possession of some rather terrifying figures about expected casualty rates as a result of any enemy bombing action, which thankfully never came to pass, though the Government did not know this at the start of the war. ( Expected Casualties (because I found this during my dissertation research and I think it's really interesting) ) As a result the Government planned various strategies to deal with the expected casualties (including a stockpile of cardboard coffins). The one relevant to this "History of the NHS", is the Emergency Hospital Scheme, which was funded and run by the Government and was "designed to serve the purpose of a moment" - to look after those injured in the war, especially bombing victims. Under this scheme any treatment needed, including hospitalisation, was free. It was during this period, in 1942, the the Beveridge Report was published which proposed a "free national health service" as a way of combating the five 'Giant Evils' of Want, Disease, Ignorance, Squalor and Idleness. The Conservatives, who nominally had the majority in the Commons at this time (though there was actually a "Government of National Unity" in power) refused to commit to putting in place the reforms, which was one of the reasons why they were beaten so comprehensively by the Labour party in the 1945 General Election. One of their first acts when they got in to power was the 1946 National Health Service Act, which provided in law for a free and comprehensive health care system. The first day of this National Health Service was to be 5th July 1948 but there was an enormous amount of work that had to take place before it could start, including the nationalisation of Hospitals, the creation of health centres, the better/fairer distribution of doctors around the country and the creation of a new salary structure. On top of all this work, there was a huge amount of opposition (as with any large and sudden change). Most Local Authorities and Charitable Organisations who had previously run hospitals were opposed, as were doctors, who did not want to be employed by the government, or told where to work. In fact, at the beginning of 1948 90% of doctors said that they would not co-operate with the NHS. There was also opposition from many who were scared by the huge costs involved, but Aneurin Bevan who was Minister for Health at this time argued that Britain could afford it, and had to afford it. Bevan worked extremely hard to ensure the creation of the NHS, and by hook or by crook (he allowed doctors to work for the NHS and keep private patients while getting the public to sign up with doctors for the NHS - if a doctor didn't sign the form, he risked losing the patient [and the funding that came with them] to a doctor who would), made sure that over 90% of doctors had signed up by the opening day. The benefits of the NHS were visible very quickly, especially in those groups which had not been covered until its creation. Maternal and infant mortality levels fell very quickly and life expectancy rose, especially as the new techniques and drugs (such as Penicillin) became available at no cost to people who would have died for want of them. In 2008 we're looking at: * An average life expectancy of 77 years, with more and more living until 100. * An average of 5.2 out of every 1000 babies dying before the age of 1 (0.52%) [figures from 2006] * Everyone can see a doctor, irrespective of whether they can pay What I'm trying to say in an incredibly long winded way is that the NHS may not be perfect, but in comparison to what we have had before it is amazing, and I sometimes think we lose sight of just how brilliant it is amongst all the complaining about the things that are wrong and the compromises that sometimes have to be made. My dad was chronically ill with Type 1 Diabetes most of his life, and we did not have to pay towards his care. His final illness and the two weeks spent in intensive care did not bankrupt us. When my mum hurt her back and she was in bed for 6 weeks her care (a physio, home help twice a day, doctors visits, nurse visits) did not cost us. When my mum was pregnant with me and was kept in hospital for most of those 9 months my parents did not have to check her out because they were worried about the cost, nor did they have to worry about the bill they were getting at the end. When I was ill with depression I did not have to worry about the cost of my prescriptions or my counselling. The times Phil has injured himself we have not had to worry about the bill from the Hospital for getting him checked out. Ben and I have not had to worry that while I've been off work I've been without coverage for my health (or traded electricity/food/rent for insurance coverage). I think there's a lot to be said for that. So Happy Birthday NHS, here's to many many more. ETA: Pretty much 1500 words. I wrote as much as that in some of my degree essays. Sorry guys! |
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| Jan. 22nd, 2008 @ 03:02 pm Various ramblings (including my take on the news at the moment and a quiz) | |||
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Watching the news today I'm shocked that the economy hasn't completely collapsed. As The Daily Mash said this morning: "STOCKBROKERS are preparing for a third day of running around and waving their hands in the air, shouting 'nooooooooooooooooooo!!!'." The amount of doom and gloom has been amusing, but possibly because right now I have nothing to lose. In a fantastic scheduling coincidence, True Movies has the whole of this afternoon taken up with The Day The Bubble Burst, a film about the 1929 Stock Market crash. Seems rather apt ;) On the local news there was no Kaddy doing the weather to keep the boys amused and hanging onto every second of the bulletin, instead, there was Michael Fish with a rather strange (but cool) tank top with weather symbols covering his nipples. I don't think benc will think it a good enough substitute.( Michael Fish's Jumper ) My new meds are kicking in now, and instead of feeling very fuzzy, dizzy and somewhat stoned while also sleeping for about 18 hours each day I woke up before midday (a first since Saturday) and have felt relatively with it. A pity I have to up the dose tonight when I expect the aforementioned side effects to come back. At least I know they won't continue forever. On the upside, I am now sleeping through the night :) Spent friday night playing GH1, 2 and 3 at Adam's house. There was also curry eaten. I'm much better at GH than I was the last time we had such an evening, which resulted in me being practically banned from playing on medium. Damn! I'll just have to get really good at Hard then ;) Pity hard is *so* hard. I'm stuck on the Kaiju Megadome set, so I've started on Expert to see if it will help me along with the last of the hard lot. I've recently uploaded some new icons, which include some Third Watch ones (a series I'm very into at the moment) and the one I'm using today, the Epstein-Barr virus (also mononucleosis or Glandular Fever) which I had a few years back and ben got me for Christmas :) ( Which old language am I? ) |
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| Jan. 11th, 2008 @ 12:41 pm Depression update | |||
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I've been struggling again for a while (thank you to everyone who has put up with it), especially when it comes to i. getting to sleep and ii. staying asleep. That's had a knock on effect with my moods (which had more or less plateaued at less than ideal). The conclusion come to today by Nikki and Dr K was that I was only being partially medicated by the Citalopram, so over the next week I'm being weaned off the Citalopram with a view to starting my new prescriptions - Mirtazapine, which apparently has some stuff in it that makes one drowsy, so I'm to take it at night and it will hopefully help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Unfortunately "weight gain" is a major side effect. Worried I'll turn into (more of) a whale now! Hopefully though it will medicate me properly and I will stop plateauing and start getting properly well again. A warning to those of you who have a lot to do with me. The dr told me that while the meds are switching and whatnot I'll probably have a fairly big dip, so I'm going to apologise in advance for anything I say or do while low, and if I don't get out very much in the next few weeks. Anyone reading have any experiences with Mirtazapine and can tell me about it? |
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| Dec. 1st, 2007 @ 09:33 pm My first gather and a meme (in which I also bitch about my illness for a change) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Hiding out here: CR5 2QG
Please note before I start that though it may not seem like it, I do not actually spend much time bitching about my depression, especially here.Mostly feeling:  exhaustedNow Playing: Savage Garden: Two Beds and a Coffee Machine I fucking hate my fucking illness. I woke up this morning in a good mood despite my inability to sleep properly (trouble getting to sleep and then staying asleep. 4am and I are becoming well aquainted and according to the pharmacy I can't have any over the counter drugs to help, so I guess I'd better speak to Dr K :/). I enjoyed the drive to my mum's (the weather was such that driving was really fun) where I abandoned Ben and then headed to my first CBB gather. Everyone was very nice and I had fun, but I came out ready to cry having made a really rather hasty getaway. I think I overdid it and to use a baraktaism (hopefully correctly) I think I just ran out of spoons at the end/did not have enough spoons to do what I was attempting to. Managed to calm down on the walk to the station and did not cry, but really really pissed with myself.The gather itself was nice. People were lovely and I met lots of new people (everyone) who were all very welcoming and friendly and we ate lots of varied food (Lizzie-friendly rockyroad [no nuts :D], crispy cakes, sausage rolls [turns out there is such a thing as too many sausage rolls]) and lots of other stuff. I spent lots of time hiding behind a lovely large cushion cos I was freaked and talked too much about many things, lots of which probably weren't appropriate. Next time I shall try to be more Sotto ;) Played some games - the present game and an articulate type thing but with CBB words. The team I was on won, but that was largely down to the scary Chalet knowledge of Xanthe and Liss, then I ran away cos I was tired and getting panicky. In all, it was really nice and I'd do it again, but maybe I should wait until I'm more betterer. Or something. Have a meme I stole from greenfurrymoose. Ben also did it and is pretty much the exact opposite.Your results: You are Deanna Troi
Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character are you?" quiz... Finally, and some of you know this already, Sue has asked me to be John's godmother and I said yes :D I am very proud and excited. It's even worth braving the incence of Catholic Church for! :) |
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| Oct. 24th, 2007 @ 08:23 pm Dream, and a meme | |||
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One of the symptoms of my depression is that I get very tired, very quickly. The mornings are my best time, by lunchtime I'm hyper like an overtired child and by the afternoon I'm desperate for a nap. In the evening if I haven't had a nap then I am grouchy, bad tempered and very down. If I go out for any legnth of time to do something, no matter how rested I am and after 3-4 hours I am exhausted and down and need to come home and sleep. These two symptoms frustrate me no end, they're possibly one of the things that pisses me off most about my condition - more than the early morning waking, than the rollercoaster of emotions, than my lack of self respect and self confidence. One of the side effects of my meds (Citalopram) is vivid dreams. Last night I had one, a really really weird one which makes me wonder if my subconcious is trying to send me a message. I dreamed I had a serious operation (no idea what it was), which meant that I could barely walk and it took me a long time to have the stamina to walk very far or for very long, and then to be able to do that unaided. I was getting really pissed off with the process in my dream - I wanted to be better now and was annoyed that something that I should just be able to do was taking so much effort. Just as I was at my most pissed off kimble and barakta appeared (why them? No idea - my subconcious is pretty fucked up at the moment) and told me to stop getting pissed at myself. I would be back to how I should be with time, practice and patience and I just needed to stop getting annoyed at myself and take things a day at a time and try to do just a little more each day and eventually it would come.Wow. I'm pretty fucked up at the moment ;) Under the cut is the four things meme everyone is doing. I'm doing it cos I was sort of tagged by twigathy and I clearly have nothing better to do except waffle to LJ about my dreams ;)( Four things meme ) |
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| Sep. 27th, 2007 @ 11:37 pm More on the tax saga | |||
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I have to admit I'm impressed. Or possibly more shocked. After I emailed edexcel two days ago (after the yelling ranty call to the tax office following major incompetence and stuff) I expected very little in the way of either cooperation, speed or competence and this morning my statement of earnings turned up. It's even been signed by a real person! I'll be taking a photocopy of that then before I send it off to be eaten up by HM Revenue and Customs. Still, as I said, I'm impressed. It seems the key to dealing with edexcel is to set your sights and expectations very low and then they may actually impress you! In other news, I went to curry to celebrate Adam's birthday (on Tuesday evening), which was lovely. I also met up with Oziris for coffee (on Wednesday), which we must do more often and today I looked after Sue's baby, John, who is delightful and lovely and not terribly hard work (or at least wasn't today) - the best part is having a nice time and handing him back afterwards! Finally tonight foo and rah came round and we had uber lasagne of doom. Yum. Now I'm off to bed - I have a counsellor's thing tomorrow, preceeded by a gulbenkian breakfast :D Atfer that the day is mine. Any ideas? ;) |
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| Sep. 25th, 2007 @ 03:01 pm The great tax saga | |||
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Honestly, it's days like this that make me wonder if I'll ever be a useful member of society again! (I should write a CBT sheet for that thought I suppose) Anyway, I woke up in a pretty good mood and went to collect the post. The first one I opened was from HM Revenue and Customs. I should mention at this point that I am waiting on money (over £500) to come back from them that I overpaid in tax last year. This has been going on for four months. I sent them a letter when I got my P60 from Kent (which was when I realised just how many squillions of pounds I had overpaid) enclosing my P60 and my forms from edexcel (essentially a payslip, but it's all they give me - edexcel don't issue P60s). When I first called in April to find out what I needed to do to claim back my tax I was told these forms would be sufficient. I got a letter in August (two months exactly since they recieved my original letter) asking me to fill out my employment history for 2006. I did that and sent it back. Cue the clock starting again on my claim (they say it'll be up to two months from the date of my last communication arriving with them). More or less two months since I sent back that form I get another letter today, saying that they've sent back my P60 (which wasn't enclosed) and that my stuff from edexcel was not sufficient, despite what I had been told four months ago. At the moment I seem to be able to go between extremes of emotions. I ended up getting very angry very quickly and I called them and first yelled at the person who answered the phone and then requested a supervisor and yelled at her. When I'd yelled at them for about 20 minutes about how the legnth of time wasn't acceptable, nor was the fact my P60 was MIA, nor was the conflicting advice I had got from their office I got off the phone to them and burst in to tears. I went from angry to very sad and virtually helpless in a matter of seconds. Now I feel bad for yelling at them. I've done jobs like that and I know it's not their fault, but I was very angry and had to take it out on someone. I called edexcel who don't do P60s and are instead sending me a statement of earnings. I'm now more than a little terrified. I am waiting for them to send me the right document as soon as possible. I'm basically combining the incompetence of Edexcel with the incompetence of the tax office. I'm starting to wonder if I'll see my money this side of Christmas. As I said above, it's days like this that make me wonder if I can ever be a useful member of society again. It probably doesn't help that my hormones are all over the place at the moment, as I have come off the pill to see if it helps with my depression. At the moment though I just feel even more out of whack than before. Argh. I'm also annoyed at myself. It's moments like this that I feel a real burden on those who are close to me, especially my husband. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything silly, I've never been that depressed. I just needed to get it all out. There. By the way, I still haven't filled in the forms for Incapacity Benefit. I'm so scared of getting them wrong. Wow. Talk about lame excuses. |
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| Sep. 13th, 2007 @ 10:11 pm Quiz! (and other stuff) | |||
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A quiz, stolen from bethanthepurple 1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/. 2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark. 3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions. 4. Post the top ten results. 1. Anthropologist 2. Archivist 3. Historian 4. Child and Youth Worker 5. Adoption Counselor 6. Writer 7. Print Journalist 8. Critic 9. Market Research Analyst 10. Translator In other news, the flat inspection went fine and we still have a home. It's even a very clean home, the cleanest it's been (imo) since we moved in 2.5 years ago. I'm glad it's over because it was a real strain on me. Having spent all the time since we returned from holiday stressing and angsting over it often while cleaning as I have never cleaned before and only not doing those things when I've been asleep I am now very very relieved but also incredibly tired, which I think is mainly due to the depression. no1typo is coming for a visit tomorrow and I'm looking forward to a relaxing wander around Canterbury or an afternoon spent in Espression with her, depending on time factors and the weather. |
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| Sep. 10th, 2007 @ 04:02 pm Holiday in Skegness | |||
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Hiding out here: CT2
As I mentioned in my last entry we went on holiday to Skegness/Chapel St. Leonards for a week in a fixed site caravan. We had a lovely time and selected photos are here and some different ones here. All photos were taken by Mostly feeling:  nervousNow Playing: Various programmes from the BBC archive trial benc (I was taking black and white pictures on a film camera which have yet to be developed).We did a fair bunch of stuff, though it was all sadly rather curtailed because the effects of my depression are such that after doing something for 3 or 4 hours I was so tired I had to come home and sleep. One of the things that we did that isn't in pictures is we drove an hour and a half to Stamford so we could see The Dam Busters (which had been cleaned up a little) on the big screen. Well worth it :D though I was dead almost all of the next day. When we went to Skegness we saw the Skegness lifeboat with its awesome tractor which pulls it down the beach to the sea and pulls it back out again:  It was sooooo cool :D I won a zippy toy at the "Hook a Duck" stall on Skegness pier and he "did" Skegness:  In Chapel St. Leonards we found possibly the most offensive building in all of the UK, the Golden Palm:  The pictures don't do it justice - the palm trees *flashed*. The shopping arcade owned by the Golden Palm also produced the worst curry I have ever had - sauce like water, sweetened with sugar and chicken so dry it had probably been sitting under lights for hours. The curry places around Skegness were all very special. None of the ones near to us did "Curry". They all did Curry/Kebabs/Pizzas/Burgers. Really we should have known better than to buy from there. On our last day we went to the beach, as it was the only day really nice enough for it. I buried Ben:  We worked on a sandcastle:  Which had a working moat :D  Thus, our work was done:  (Mine is the blue spade). Finally, ben brought me a giant Eeyore for an anniversary present:  He's pretty awesome :) Today I have called the Job Centre plus in an effort to apply for Incapacity benefit as advised to me by Payroll at UKC. It seems very complicated and I have no idea if I'll be eligable but I don't loose anything by applying. I have also been abusing the BBCs archive trial and now have about 12 tabs of things to watch. Ah well, will keep me busy! And finally, the reason I chose the icon I did: we got back from holiday to a letter from our Letting Agency saying they'll be coming to inspect the flat for the first time in two years on Thursday. It's a routine inspection but I'm bricking it and utterly convinced we'll be evicted despite saner voices telling me I'm being a muppet. I'm sure on Thursday I'll be able to come back and tell you all that they were right. Until then I suspect I'll be a bit of a nervous heap. |
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| Aug. 24th, 2007 @ 01:13 pm Depression | |||
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Okay, so some of you know that I have suffered from depression before, just over three years ago and recovered from it ok. Well since January of this year I have been having similar symptoms and I went and saw my doctor again and was once again diagnosed as suffering from depression. I am on Citalopram and seeing a counsellor to do some stuff on CBT, anxiety management stuff and assertiveness training. I have been told that I need to look after myself mentally more and that includes not working at the moment. I was signed off for six weeks at the end of my contract with CCS and I have just tried working again at Clearing and the two weeks work have utterly wiped me out. I'm left feeling that I wish there were some physical illness that would show other people why I am so tired, but there isn't. I don't think I'll be working again for a while, certainly not before November I suspect. I don't know why I am writing this to be honest. I haven't said anything before because I haven't want to worry anyone or become a burden or whatever and also because I have needed to come to terms with it myself, and it has taken rather a long time for this to happen. I'm not after *hugs* or anything, I just wanted to be honest with all of you about the place I am in my life right now. So now you know. |
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| Apr. 8th, 2006 @ 09:50 pm Things that make me feel better | |||
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Most of you know I was ill a couple of years ago with depression and since then I continue to have "down" periods which are worse than the downs I had before I was ill. I had one tonight. I felt really pants to the point where I couldn't do anything except stand and stare at a point on the wall. Ben forced me off to have a hot bath with my book, which I did. While I was doing that he fixed the bed (long story) and now I am curled up with my lappy and some candles lit with hot food on the way, still not feeling great, but feeling better than I was. Sometimes it's the little things. |
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| Feb. 5th, 2005 @ 12:24 pm Oh dear | |||
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Here we go again?. happyNow Playing: Queen: I'm Going Slightly Mad In other news, it's been a very up and down week from the POV of my recovery from depression but am on the Up again now I think. In terms of things happening it's actually been a very good week. I have a place to gain experience to support my PGCE application at Community College Whitstable where my lovely employer Sue works in the Science Department. It seems like a really good school and they were really super helpful. I'm getting experience in the classroom (as a teacher's help or assistant or something), doing paperwork (making and photocopying worksheets etc) and observing other teachers (the deputy head is going to teach me how to observe teachers, something that I will apparetly learn for my PGCE anyway). It all sounds really cool :D So, pending a clear police check (which was sent off on Thursday when I was at the school for an interview) I should be cleared to start this straight after half term. It was worth getting dolled up in a trouser suit and feeling like a bit(read "lot") of an idiot (even though Ben and Miles said I looked lovely/nice/whatever) after all it would appear. Other excitement is that on March 7th I should be going on a Fun History Trip(TM) to ypres. I'm actually really excited :D Sounds like it will be excellent (if rather tiring and probably wet). I've been before in year 9 of High School but I know so much more now. I will take my camera and take pictures this time too. OOh, compsoc stuff finally starting to come together :) Not too much longer now, we promise :) I think that's about it for stuff I was going to say... |
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| Nov. 8th, 2004 @ 10:26 am A Birthday and an Update! | |||
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Mostly feeling:
SO..as of Yesterday I am now  cheerfulNow Playing: Phantom of the Opera: Why Have You Brought Me Here? 21O.oVery odd. Am now *old* ;) Firstly I would like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday on IRC, LiveJournal, in Person, with cards etc. They were all muchos appreciated :D I got lots and lots of cava, and other such nice things. Got a beautiful necklace from my mummy, chosen with the help of metamoof. The stones are (left to right, top to bottom) Peridote, Iolite, Blue Topaz, Garnet, Perl, Amethyst, Citrine, Iolite and Blue Topaz.
From my brother I got some beautiful blue topaz earrings (again brought
in Spain and transported to the UK by the everlovely metamoof), and lots and lots of cava from various people
(J and Beffan) :D. Ben brought me a ticket to see the barenaked ladies
in London on the first weekend in december and a usb christmas tree O.o
From foo and rah I got some excellent little presents (4 - one a day
till my birthday). I got a flannel that expands on contact with water,
a little refillable sqishy shower gel thing, bath confetti and a cat
soap that grows fur! I also recieved the traditional
gift of money from quite a few rellies. I have decided that, despite my
yucky financial situation to keep the money for me this year. It's my
21st and I want to have things for me. I know this is reckless given my
lack of funds (slightly lifted now - loan was finally paid in Thursday)
but I will only ever have one 21st Birthday, so I am going to be
selfish.I have roughly £120 and am leaning towards a new piece of computer hardware and some books. What I'm thinking about getting is a fairly cheap (less than £60) DVD writer. Then the rest of the money can go on books. MMmmm Shiny. Reccommendations and opinions re. DVD writers appreciated :) Birthday stuff spread out over the weekend, which was weird and left Sunday (my actual birthday) feeling rather anticlimatic, but I still had a nice time. Friday was all you can eat at cafe de china. Was lovely. Pork Dumplings are *excellent* :D Saturday was lunch at fish and chip place in Whitstable then Fireworks at tyler hill (sooooo cool :D) and soup back at mine afterwards. I even got a birthday message over the PA at the fireworks (the kids wouldn't stop talking about it this morning ;)) I also went on teacups :D Yesterday ben and I had lunch at the Jackdaw in Denton again, followed by a to Kent International Airport at Manston (a former RAF base) which feels seedy (like an airport in the middle of nowhere in the US which recieves one flight a day ;)), has no road signs pointing to the places you need to know about and charges you 60p for a small chocolate bar. The only upside is that we didn't get charged for parking (machines were being spacky). We got a beffan who had been staying with Moof and had much laughs and had a macdonalds dinner. A busy, fun weekend :) In other news I've taken up knitting again (those who have known me for a while know I go through this phase once every couple of years and do it badly before getting bored and dropping it after two weeks). Things are going better and for the time being I'm trying to make a scarf. Knitting is good anti-irc therapy cos it keeps my fingers busy and not missing a keyboard. I also have chosen the pattern for my bridesmaids dresses (thanks to rahslowe). Now I just need to order it.
Found out I cant sing in choir concert this term cos it's teh same day
as Ben and Claire's wedding. I love singing but I'd much rather be at
the Tanner's special day.For of those of you who know about last year and are wondering about my mental health I'm still quite up and down - more up than down now, but I still have some bad days, usually triggered by a situation I can't deal with. Ben is very supportive and I'm definately beating this thing. One of my worst problems now is getting frustrated with myself that I'm not completely better now, I thought it would just go away when I was removed from the situation, which is not the case as those of you who have been ill with this will testify to. At least now I'm mostly up and hopefully with the help of my councellor I will beat it for good soon :) Busy week coming up - two essays to research and write, a letter to write about volunteering in sue's school and I'm sure there's other stuff I meant to do. There are certainly some difficult decisions coming up. We'll just have to see what happens. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......splat? [edit] This would appear to have been a proper update o.o |
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| Oct. 10th, 2004 @ 10:58 am Quiz | |||
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Mostly feeling:
distressedNow Playing: John Berry: Nocturnes  Congratulations! You have St. Anthony's Fire! Today known Ergotism, this illness is caught through ingestion of a fungal infection of grain, usually rye. If you are not already, you soom are going to be suffering from dizziness, hallucinations, and a sensation of burning in the limbs, thus giving the disease its name. It could result in gangrene. The good news: there is a 60% chance you will survive it! The bad news? You will wish you had not. You will have lingering symptoms for the rest of your life, including mental impairment and being more susceptible to it in the future rather than having immunity. You probably live in a rural town undergoing a very wet winter to have caught this skin-reddening sickness. Which Medieval Plague Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla In other news, I've been better. Generally those who need to know, know why. I'll pull up evetually and it's hardly worth going into the reasons because the last thing I need at the moment is for things to get worse. Dr Ormrod said I should do another project. Bah :| Need to do chores today. Off I go to do those... ------> :P |
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| Oct. 7th, 2004 @ 07:19 am Piccies | |||
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Mostly feeling:
New piccies up on my website - here for the few of the foorah party and here for Goole's river. frustratedNow Playing: Barenaked Ladies: Jane Had nice talk with Pete yesterday cos he came to work with me and that was very jibbly :) Muddle of emotions at the moment. Small things can seem huge and set me off or not. Recovery sometimes as hard as being ill :| Therefore not going to go in to stuff here, needless to say I'm greatful for ben and foo and rah and all the rest of my friends for putting up with me. |
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| Oct. 4th, 2004 @ 02:50 pm I haven't been *really* angry in a long time | |||
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Mostly feeling:
..but today I was absolutely fuming. Livid or Furious are good words to describe the state I was in, and thinking about it logically I can't even work out why I was so very very angry over this incident. irateNow Playing: Sister Hazel: Come Around Today I had my Museum and Heratage seminar thingy and there's a clique of three people who always sit together in the seminar and talk half way through. I don't like them and they strike me as unpleasent in not what they say, but how they say it. At the end of the seminar (which was quite dull in itself) Dr Ormrod was trying to work out who would do a group presentation on which subject. I volunteered right at the beginning to do the one for next week but noone volunteered to help and so I assumed one of the duds who never turns up would be assigned to me, which was bad enough. Anyway, the clique who had been talking very loudly in their corner lost the tussel for the presentation they wanted and immediately expressed interest in mine. Dr Ormrod said only two of the three could do it with me because of the number in the group as a whole. To be honest I was a bit angry already because they didn't want the presentation until most other options had been removed from them. Then I went to exchange email addys to find the other person telling me that *She* had to be in our group becasue the only things left were in the last two weeks and she couldn't do those cos she wouldn't be here. So for this presentation which counts for 20% of my final marks I will be dictated to by a clique of people I don't like and who clearly don't like me and it will all get screwed up. There are four doing a three people (max) presentation and Dr Ormrod doesn't even know. I know my personality isn't strong enough to assert my views and *win* any struggle ahead. I'm angry. Less angry than I was, but that only means I don't want to really properly hurt people any more. I'm slowly calming down. I scared myself with how angry I was. *growl* I just don't know what to do :( |
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| Sep. 22nd, 2004 @ 09:56 am Um...Quiz | |||
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Mostly feeling:
Katherine Jaxteran - The Guardian Angel drainedNow Playing: Sister Hazel: Green Once a great millitary leader, you have found yourself discovering some truth in you and see things with a unique perspective. You are a Progenitor, but prefer to follow your Empathic nature rather than your raw manipluation. You are now a pacifist, a natural diplomat, who is loved by your friends and enemies like, but you have a sad heart, of being lonely in a world of chaos. You are the healer. Millitary Division - Navy. Millitary Department - Command. Weapon of Choice - Mind. Strength - 3. Dexterity - 7. Intelligence - 9. Wisdom - 10. Honour - 10. Soul - 10. What Felexian Hero are you? brought to you by Quizilla In other news I think I'm coming down with freshers flu - in my case this takes the form of a nasty barking tickly cough that makes my chest hurt. My diss marks are supposed to be in my college pidgeon hole sometime today so I'm feeling a bit sick about that. Having a down day in general today - part of a bad week cos of various stuff. Don't mean to be cryptic but it's not stuff I can really talk about. Keeping busy trying to sort CompSoc stuff and doing prelim reading. Tom saw the name "milton keynes" this morning and asked if that was the famous amusement park *grin* Um...that's it ;) |
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| Sep. 13th, 2004 @ 10:50 am Quiz and Update... | |||
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Mostly feeling:
Well I'm in the Library starting off a new Uni year (for me) in traditional style with procrastination from my reccommended reading. cheerfulNow Playing: Bach: Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor So..um..what is going on with me I hear you ask. Not a lot is the answer (now you see why I've not updated for a while ;)) I finished work at Andrew Reeves (the posh Belgravia estate agents) tho my last day was slightly marred by the people at Victoria trying to give me a penalty fare. I got on the train without a valid ticket cos otherwise I would have missed my train, fully intending to pay when I got to Victoria. When I got there and went to pay for my return ticket I got pulled to one side and treated like a criminal cos it's (apparently, tho I didn't know this) an offense to get on a train without a ticket if the ticket office is open. SO they said I needed to pay a penalty fare even though I tried to explain I would have missed my train and been late for work. They just carried on saying I'd need to pay the penalty fare and it got too much and I started to cry. The guy looked at me like I was putting it on...and then to cap the indignity I started to hyperventalate big time. My head started to tingle and I couldn't stand up so I sat down and all teh time he's watching me like I'm faking it. Eventually the two ticket barrier guys come over and ask me what's up and I try to tell them while not being able to breathe and one of them brings me some water (which I nearly choked on cos my breathing was so irregular by this point) and they argued with the Penalty Fare guy about it and eventually let me ppay just for my return ticket. Evetually, when I was sufficiently calm to stand again I started to go and the Penalty Fare guy looks at me, glares and says "that won't work again you know". Like I was doing it on purpose >.< I can think of better places to make myself look undignified, stupid and immature... Beffan met me from work that day tho, so things started to improve :) We scandalised the carrage of our train with our talk ;) Anyway, I saw Phantom of the Opera on Monday evening and it was absolutely magnificent. At the end I felt so sorry for the Phantom. I didn't have a great view from the balcony so I want to go again and sit in the stalls. Still, it took my breath away. It was brilliant. Les Miserables was Tuesday's show and that was even better than Phantom, and very different. I saw this one from the stalls and had a wonderful view, and at the end the show had a standing Ovation. I didn't like the Older Cosette, but JVJ and Javert were great and Marius...*happy sigh* It made me cry more than once. It was overwhelming. Came back to canterbury on Saturday and left behind a whole shedload of stuff :o( Beffan is staying ATM and that is great :D Rah cooked a lovely roast beef dinner yesterday which was *YUMYUM* :D and today is her 1st wedding anniversary - the weather a year ago today was much much nicer ;) Speaking of weddings, ben and I have talked to the Vicar who will marry us on Friday and booked the wedding for the 3rd September 2005 at 3pm. The most complicated question of the whole thing for me was "Are you baptised" which ellicited the response "yes, no, possibly, not sure, maybe?" (see my history as a mormon for further explanation ;)) Mum found something to stop herself getting bored over the weekend - taking piccies of piccies and putting them up on her site. These include baby pics of me and pill, which is the reason the link will *NOT* be included here ;) Ben and I watched Battle of Britain yesterday - top film :D Umm...I'm sure there's other stuff I ment to include and forgot, in which case I may add it later :) ( obligatory LJ quiz ) |
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| Mar. 27th, 2004 @ 12:27 pm Last few days | |||
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Mostly feeling:
I've been up and down like a boat on stormy seas. restlessNow Playing: Sting: Fields Of Gold Now...Just about to go to town with ben and Phil to have a beanos breakfast and plot secret plans and clever tricks. Off I go... zoooooooooooooom <-- like that. |
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| Mar. 24th, 2004 @ 11:49 am On The Up :) | |||
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Mostly feeling:
I went to the doctor's today and had a good appt. Booked in again for a couplea weeks time, just before I go home for easter. She's a nice doctor and I'm glad I went even if I didn't want to before hand. hopefulNow Playing: Queen: You're My Best Friend Am on the up now, my mood climbing a bit at a time. Had a bad afternoon yesterday. Had been really bouncy in the morning then at lunchtime I started spiralling down and didn't pull out of it till very late. Yesterday as a whole was actually a good day, despite the mood spiral. I was pleased with myself for being able to write a 3000 word essay with IRC in the background and cos Sue was off sick I had a chance to talk to and play with paul which is always good cos whne he's in a good mood he cheers me up. Yesterday he was telling me about trees and how cutting them down killed them and doing all the actions and things nad tho I could only understand half the stuff he said (he's only 3) it was still great fun. He also said he liked me :) I had a very positive meeting about my Speical Subject in Rutherford Upper Senior Common Room which is a really nice room and recognisable as the place where my UCAS stuff took place ;) It's got a beautiful view cos its at the very top of the building and am now getting quite excited about the course. There are more Guys than Girls (not surprising for a topic that's partly military history, but I can tell by the way that at least one of them speaks to me that he is sexist... or at least looks down on me *git*) but still should be cool. Have option of a 6000 word diss instead of the primary evidence paper which sounds good and if I do that together with te other modules I'm planning to do I should only have one exam next year. He says if we don't egt it done on time we won't be penalised, just reregistered for the exam instead. We will be having a trip to Ypres and also to the IWM and NAM. I've been to all these places before but they're great so I'm looking forward to going again and seeing them from a different perspective. Ben and I had a nice cuddle together and he forced me to go out tho I didn't want to and that was good for me cos it started to help me pull out of how I was feeling. Foo and rah cooked nice meal of spag bol type things (tho too many carrots) and then crumpets and chocolate spread for afters (inspired by Paul's breakfast ;)) Went to bed as soon as got in...was very very tired and as a consequence got 10 and a half hours sleep or so. As a consequence of that I woke up on my own at 5:30 and got to doze for 30 mins or so which was a nice luxury. Was out of the house on time and did the hill all in one go which made me feel both tired and accomplished and even had time to photograph some frogspawn ben and I noticed a few days ago and have been watching develop. Can't wait till they hatch and become tadpoles. I want even more to see them as frogs cos I like frogs - they remind me of my pet frog Roger from when I was 8 :) |
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| Mar. 17th, 2004 @ 10:45 am *oof* - Last few days | |||
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Mostly feeling:
Like I said yesterday morning I've been having a nice run of it atm... goodNow Playing: Buffy The Vampire Slayer - Walk Through The Fire ( Saturday ) ( Sunday ) ( Monday ) ( Tuesday and Today ) Anyway...that's just about it I think. Still have minor blips but nothing major since sunday. *crosses fingers* |
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| Mar. 12th, 2004 @ 11:24 pm bleh | |||
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Mostly feeling:
Ben just gone. Today sucked horribly. It started bad and I just spiralled down. I hit bottom at 1:30ish adn slowly crawled out of my hole again. Ben had afternoon off and I spent most of it in the most atrocious mood. annoyedNow Playing: Starsailor on Jonathon Ross Got back and jibbled some...ended up falling asleep and napping most of the evening. So on ben's afternoon off which was supposed to be so nice I was i. horrible to be with and ii. asleep. Nice going Elizabeth. He so diserves someone better than me >. |
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| Mar. 12th, 2004 @ 09:40 am BAH | |||
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Mostly feeling:
Bad morning. Was late for work. Didn't have time for breakfast and am barely awake and functioning. Ellie not well so can't meet today. discontentNow Playing: Beethoven - Mass in C: Gloria Bah bah bah >. |
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| Mar. 11th, 2004 @ 11:35 pm Apparently the old adage of one day at a time holds true. | |||
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Mostly feeling:
Today was really a mix of ups and downs and am feeling quite bouncy right now which is nice :) hopefulNow Playing: Robbie Williams: Cursed Work was average and having dropped the kids at school I met ben and we went in together the rest of the way. I sat in his office for a bit then on a PPC for a bit. Rah came online and we chatted online for a bit, then met up and went to mungoes and talked some more which was all really jibbly. Added point one for today to my little book of positives which my doctor asked me to keep. Talking to rah made me feel happy. I had lunch with her and foo and ben and that was nice. Got work done in afternoon then off to work where I started to suffer a mood drop which got steadily worse as the afternoon went on. I channeled it into something vaguely productive late evening then went and had snacks with ben (and made by the same :)) He went off on bus to town for beer and currage and I walked with him as far as eliot. Then I sat moaning cos I didn't want to go to choir for half an hour. But good things came of it. I met Ellie. She sat next to me totally by chance and wasn't feeling very well. We got talking and I said I nearly hadn't come to choir. You know what she said. She said she was glad I had. I put that in my book cos it made me happy and we got talking. SHe;s recovering from an eating disorder and suffers from anxiety and talking was really good. I'm giving her the .oggs of the mass in c tomorrow and we're going to have coffee at 11am and meet up before the concert on saturday. She's lovely and talking to her really helped. Almost enjoyed choir - first in a while. Came back down the hill. Jibbled with claire and rah. Claire went to cook cakes for the SU and Rah and I had kudos, then heard foo was on way back so made up the ultimate scrabble game of doom in which we used all the letters available. Basically we made up the longest highest scoring words we could and pretended it had been a proper game to wind foo up. Foo wasn't wound up but that made me happy as well. Now I'm tired and I want ben and my mood is starting to dip again. So I will go to bed. Cos it's 12:30 ;) |
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| Mar. 10th, 2004 @ 01:56 pm Stuff | |||
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Mostly feeling:
Well I heard from Laura for the first time in months yesterday, which was cool. Suffered mood drop which wasn't. Watched A Diary for Timothy which wasn't as boring as it could have been and was only 40 mins long. At pasta pie from sainsburies which was yummy, watched coupling and curled up with ben for a bit which was jibbly. Stayed the night and woke up feeling more positive. determinedNow Playing: Adeimus II - Cantus: 'Song of Invocation' Went to doctors today cos mood crashes were worrying some people and it turns out I'm suffering from depression. Saw lovely doctor, so wasn't as scary as it could have been. Am glad I went. Feel a bit better for it. Think I will go see MRP...need to book appt. tomorrow I think... |
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confused
10 (100.0%)
grateful
calm
tired
blah